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#126797 - 10/30/03 02:08 PM
What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Situation: You are a happily married woman who is not unattractive, but has put on some weight. Your husband loves you very much, but has been caught, by you, looking at internet porn. This is nothing new, but now you really feel bad about yourself. You already think you are fat and ugly, and this just seems to reinforce these feelings. You have already told him how it makes you feel, he promises to stop, but doesn't. What would you do? Sorry about the anon post, but I'm too ashamed to tell you who I am. I sound pathetic even to myself.
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#126798 - 10/30/03 02:14 PM
Re: What would you do?
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10K Club
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
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Well, just because it is my nature, I would go on a diet and go buy some new clothes. (I just ordered Trimspa, I gained 15 lbs in one year!) I would also surround my self with people who make me feel good, and who appreciate me. It may not be the answer to your marriage issue, but it will make you feel better about yourself.
Good luck. And just remember, as offensive as it may be to you and I, he is just looking and not touching.
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
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#126801 - 10/30/03 02:28 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Anon - from a man's point of view, here is my opinion. First of all, I am not going to comment on the Internet viewing, because that is personal and some would say it is normal, some would say that both Mr and Mrs enjoy it togetehr or separately, and some would obviously think it's sinful or wrong, etc. Here is what I think can be the major issue. If and when a woman does not feel good about herself, whether it be weight gain, complexion issues, womenly issues, hormonal issues...whatever...women tend to not feel attractive or desirable, especially to their spouse. I am not saying that is wrong to feel, but the problem is this. If you aren't feeling good about yourself, which in some women translates to not wanting to be intimate with their spouse because they don't want to be "seen", then the husband is sort of "screwed", for lack of a better word. In actuality, the women probably looks just fine and even with a bit extra weight, or pimple, the man would still probably love to be intimate. So what's the man to do - well, each man will have his own different way to compensate. Plus remember, even if your intimate life was great, that doesn't mean that the Internet activity would stop. Bottom line may simply be to focus on doing what you have to do to make yourself feel good about yourself (whether that is weight loss, exercise, dermatology appointment, etc) and do it now so that you can feel good about yourself quickly, and so you will want to drag your man away from the computer and into a different room!
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#126802 - 10/30/03 02:29 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Gold Star
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 413
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Quote:
Quote:
I think it is wrong, and I wouldn't put up with it. 
I only meant that if you didn't want to dissolve a marriage because of it, you could put it in perspective. Of course, "not putting up with it" indicates to me that the realtionship would be over, that was not the impression I got from the original post. Just MHO.
She asked what would we do. As for me, I would not put up with it. If I had asked him to quit because looking at other women naked and liking it offended me and he didn't take my feelings into account, what does that say to me? It says he doesn't care what I feel, he is going to do it anyway. I'm sorry, but what kind of marriage is that?
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#126803 - 10/30/03 02:29 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Don't get me wrong, I don't approve of internet pornography. Some posters view it as "cheating", but have you ever considered that this might be the only thing that keeps this guy from really cheating?
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#126805 - 10/30/03 02:34 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Traci - I think you are being to harsh, and I only say that because none of us know the relationship they have. Only anon knows. As I had said before, Internet porn is going to disgust some people and to some it may not be a big deal - not our place to judge for others. That's what makes this world kind of cool - everyone is different, and I would betch that Anon knew before they got married, that pornography of any kind was not "offensive" to Mr. Anon, and I would also wager that porn itself is not offensive to Anon - it is the fact that the porn is happening at a time when Anon is not feeling good about herself, and so in the current situation, it bothers her, and rightly so; and i agree, he should stop doing it, at least openly, since it bothers her.
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#126806 - 10/30/03 02:37 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,454
metsuretsu
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The first thing I would suggest is looking after your own mental health issues. I believe that each person has an ideal weight that they feel is right for them and obviously for you, that ideal has been exceeded. Feelings of unhappiness with one's self often foster discontent with others.
After you are on the path of feeling good about yourself again, consider finding out what the reasons are for your husband viewing the material. Do not assume that he is unhappy with you or the relationship you have with him just because of his interests. He may be feeling bad about himself as well or much like with alcohol he may have an addiction and though he may try to cease displeasing you in such a manner, he could be having difficulty attaining that goal.
Be patient with yourself and your husband. A marriage was meant to be for a lifetime and problems arise in even the best of relationships. Working together is the only way to happiness.
_________________________
I have many opinions; some are good, some are bad, and some don't contradict.
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#126807 - 10/30/03 03:07 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. Viewing internet pornography creates a fantasy for some men. As long as they just look and don't act on that fantasy and don't become addicted to the porn, it is relatively harmless. Additionally, if it weren't for the fact that some women are willing to shed their clothes and some are willing to have sex in front of a camera, there would not be much pornography. Don't blame it all on the guys. A lot of it is just plain and simple curiosity. Nothing more.
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#126808 - 10/30/03 03:10 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,992
Soaring over Georgia
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You are not pathetic, and your feelings that you've expressed are pretty typical for someone in your situation. Run, don't walk, run, and get your husband a copy of the book "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It is one of the best books written to help men in the battle against pornographic images that are more and more flooding our media. It's not just internet. Have you looked at the Jockey underwear ads in any recent edition of Sports Illustrated. Have you looked at the cover of this month's Esquire magazine (Britney Spears with no pants). We are being bombarded with images today from every angle that 30 years ago would only have been available in Playboy or Penthouse magazine. We, as a society, need to rise up and say "Enough!"
_________________________
Jim Bedsole, CRCM, CBA, CFSA, CAFP
My posts - my opinions
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#126809 - 10/30/03 03:16 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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I am not putting my name on this post either......because I've "been there and done that". Only thing was that my husband was not using the Internet....I "suspected" that he was having an affair. To this day, I have not had solid proof....but I've always been told where there is smoke, there is fire.
This is what I did. I talked to the priest of my church. He was very understanding. This was comforting. Then I decided to take matters into my own hands. My theory was, I rather try something to save my marriage and lose him, then to sit and do nothing and lose him.
My second step was to take control of my life. I decided that I would lose the weight. I was very committed, perhaps because I was sure that he was having an affair. I lost 30 pounds and it did make a difference.....both in my view of myself and the view that my husband had of me. If YOU don't feel good about yourself, no one else will feel good about you.
CubDave has some very good advise. He neither condemns your husband nor ridicules you. I suspect that you have a very loving relationship. You are hurt and worried...you have the right to be.....Now,....take some action......Do what makes YOU feel better.....When you feel better about yourself....things will work themselves out.....
An
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#126810 - 10/30/03 03:20 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,992
Soaring over Georgia
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Quote:
Just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. Viewing internet pornography creates a fantasy for some men. As long as they just look and don't act on that fantasy and don't become addicted to the porn, it is relatively harmless. Additionally, if it weren't for the fact that some women are willing to shed their clothes and some are willing to have sex in front of a camera, there would not be much pornography. Don't blame it all on the guys. A lot of it is just plain and simple curiosity. Nothing more.
You are wrong. You are so very, very wrong.
It hurts the men that participate because it is destructive to their relationship with other women in their lives. They begin to look on women more and more as just sex objects. It is also one thing to say it's OK as long as you don't get addicted, but how do you do that?
It is hurtful to the women that participate. Some do so out of a desire to exhibit themselves, but many only do so out of desperation. And most that do participate, don't fully understand how slippery the slope that leads to promiscuity, sexual disease, drug addiction, etc. can be once they start.
And it's hurtful to us as a society. It says that as a society we are turning against morals, truth and righteousness. It says we can best be defined as a society by our basest desires and cravings and that we cannot exhibit any control over our urges. When that happens, it isn't only the sexual urges that are given free reign - it's also the urges of greed, violence, lust, and all of those things that go against a moral society.
_________________________
Jim Bedsole, CRCM, CBA, CFSA, CAFP
My posts - my opinions
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#126811 - 10/30/03 03:34 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Jim -
I have put my 2 cents in and have said what I have to say, but I feel obliged to make one more comment. I don't think this forum (and by that I mean BOL) should be used to moralize. We all have varied morals/ethics/beliefs and none of us should be made to feel that our morals/ethics/beliefs are wrong, even if society tells us they might be. I just don't think this is the arena to debate these issues, even though I certainly respect your opinion.
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#126812 - 10/30/03 04:25 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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As I was reading this post All I could think of was that new Country song "One HOT Momma" Not sure who sings it, but the gist of the song is about the woman feeling older and heavier and not sexy whenin fact her significant other thinks she's still great and HOT and takes his breath away even if she can't squeeze into those jeans.
It's a great song.
I recently caught my spouse looking at internet porn, and I am not heavy and not unattractive and we have a very active sex life. I think it was just curiosity and when I mentioned it to him I think he was more embarrassed that I caught him than anything. I was not angry, and he has stopped.
I can empathize w/ anon and I agree w/ Dave, if at this time she is not happy w/ herself or is feeling a low esteem of herself, then she needs to feel good about herself first. I honestly don't think that hubby is seeking pleasure somewhere else, he may feel rejected, if anon is not confident in herself and he doesn't know how to approach the issue. Not saying surfing the net for porn is the answer, either. But I think if they hae a strong foundation in their relationship and TALK to each other, communications is the best medicine, things will all work out.
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#126813 - 10/30/03 04:25 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Gold Star
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 413
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Quote:
Traci - I think you are being to harsh, and I only say that because none of us know the relationship they have.
Again she asked what I would do, and I answered what I would do. I did not tell HER what to do. That is my opinion on what I would do if it were ME.... 
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#126814 - 10/30/03 04:48 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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I'll say this, and then I'm out of here. People are too quick to find excuses for divorce. Look at the divorce rate in this country. For better or for worse these days means until I get upset about something. Communication seems to be a thing of the past. I've been married for almost 30 years and have been through pure hell sometimes, but I'm still married to the same woman because we discuss our issues and problems and work them out. Talk out your problems and come to some reasonable resolution. In the end, you will respect each other and love each other even more.
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#126815 - 10/30/03 04:56 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 7,988
FINALLY ABOVE the gnat line
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As a single woman, this probably won't seem valid to some of you married folk, but I will contribute my observations.
I've seen too many friends' marriages disintegrate because of the internet. Both men and women leave their spouses because they've "met" a total stranger on a chat page and talk to them more than they do their spouse. In most of those situations, the men began this venture by looking at porn then moved to a chat page. It is an escape and they are able to build a fantasy figure in their mind about this person and felt they really "knew" them before they actually met and began their affair.
The common thread in all of these situations was that the couple failed to really communicate with each other and failed to get counseling when needed to try to save the marriage. Their priority was not their marriage and their family. They were too busy with their own lives and didn't pay attention to the joint life they were supposed to be building together. Yes, we have to feel good about ourselves - but to change who we are to accommodate someone's fantasy is demeaning and can in no way raise anyone's self-esteem.
Be Healthy. Communicate. See if both spouses can commit to making the marriage a priority.
_________________________
"Once you learn to read, you will be forever free."
- Frederick Douglass
My Opinion Only.
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#126816 - 10/30/03 05:22 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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This is not the place to host your subjective, right wing moral agenda. While I am not a proponent of porn I don’t think that because you subscribe to a different religious thought process than the rest of us that you have the right to condemn a particular behavior (or person) based on your religious beliefs. This Country was founded on the ideals of free speech and free action within the law, not the religious condemnation arising from the myopic view that everyone should be and act like your Christ.
As for the topic at hand: Anon, don’t despair, and don’t condemn. Talk to your man. Make him understand. Love him.
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#126818 - 10/30/03 05:40 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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I did not intend to start a fire-storm here, just wanted some advice. I have gotten some from you all. I do love my husband very much and divorce is the last thing on my mind. Cubdave, I am ready, willing, and able, to drag him to another room at any given time. That has never been a problem. I don't think that I can measure up to what he has been looking at, but that doesn't stop me from wanting intimacy with him. I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I am not enough for him.
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#126819 - 10/30/03 05:57 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 883
Big Sky Country
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Quote:
We all have varied morals/ethics/beliefs and none of us should be made to feel that our morals/ethics/beliefs are wrong, even if society tells us they might be.
I can't help but pipe up here...
What if this conversation wasn't about porn - a "gray area" for many folks. What if it was about domestic violence, embezzlement, murder, or some other clear cut "sin"? Would it still be impolite to declare those things immoral or unethical? At what point do we declare what is right and what is wrong? Relevant moralism is a dangerous slope to dance upon.
There is a point when something crosses a line. Why wouldn't porn be one of them? Obviously, to our original anon poster, it has resulted in pain, lying, and hurt feelings in the marriage. How can something that produces those results be justified as acceptable?
Even if the husband truly felt bad about "getting caught", it obviously has a strong enough hold on him to prevent him from turning away from it. Those fantasies and images, however "innocent", have taken him away from his wife - in fact - replacing part of a relationship with her. How is this so different from what a physical affair would do?
Now, as for what I would do... by no means would I declare the marriage a failure, or myself for that matter. Forgiveness and love are key. Anon, you can certainly begin an exercise program or do other things to give yourself more self confidence. You will only benefit from it. However, your husband needs to admit an addiction and seek to change as well. The multiple shallow marriages in Hollywood (based so much on looks and "feeling good") surely are evidence that even "beautiful" people are often deemed inadequate by their spouses.
_________________________
Me, Type A? Maybe - I'm not done analyzing it yet.
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#126820 - 10/30/03 05:58 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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One important question is: How is your sex life? If it is not what it should be is it because: You are not wanting sex because you feel fat? or He does not want sex because you have gained weight? Another issue--does he really want to stop, but it has gotten out of control. There is help available. Also, there is help out there. Pornography is an epidemic problem, and the impact within the body of Christ has been incalculable. Using internet pornography is more dangerous than you may realize. It's like opening up a sewer and pouring the worst of the world's filth into your soul. Solomon gives us this fatherly wisdom in Proverbs 4:23: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." You need to shield your eyes . . . to shut off the sewer of sinful images. Here is some help: Help for Porn Addiction WARNING: This is a Christian link. Another Christian link that helps with accountability. This allows for an accountability partner to see where you go on the Internet. The best accountability partner would be you--other partners may let him off the hook. Net Accountability
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#126821 - 10/30/03 06:05 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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I'll add to that. Anon, you say you don't measure up to what he sees on the internet. Have you ever seen any of those "babes"? Sure, there are a few that have a near perfect outward physical appearance, but those are the exception. Don't sell yourself short. You may not be a Britney Spears look-a-like, but in spite of your problems, you probabably are much happier than she is, and you certainly have a lot more to offer your husband than any of those internet "porn" queens.
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#126822 - 10/30/03 06:10 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Uh oh. If this keeps up, the company's "parental controls" are going to refuse me access to this site.
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#126823 - 10/30/03 06:19 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,623
SC
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Anon, you say that you've told him how this makes you feel. Has he told you why he's doing it?
_________________________
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#126824 - 10/30/03 06:25 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,992
Soaring over Georgia
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I'd recommend you go back and read some of the papers from the founding fathers of this country. You've got your history a little mixed up. Most of the men behind the founding of this country, the drafting of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights were Christian men, thoroughly convinced that they were founding a country based on Judeo-Christian ethics and morality. Their insertion of the first amendment was intented to protect the citizens of this country from being dictated on how to worship God, not on whether to worship God. They did not conceive in their minds that any rational person would reject the existence of God and distort the constitution to remove all semblence of God from this country.
And furthermore, where did I or anyone else condemn anyone in this thread? If there is any condemnation, let it begin with me. I've already been condemned as a sinner. I certainly am not like, nor do I act like my Christ. I fall so short in so many ways that I find it incredible to fathom that He loves me anyway. But He does. And He calls me to love my fellow man in this same way, not to condemn my fellow man.
Why is this any less of a forum for me to state my beliefs as it is appropriate for someone to state their beliefs that it's OK as long as nobody is getting hurt? This doesn't even get at the question of "What if they're wrong about nobody getting hurt?"
_________________________
Jim Bedsole, CRCM, CBA, CFSA, CAFP
My posts - my opinions
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#126825 - 10/30/03 06:59 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Where are the feminists out there? Why is it always the woman that is expected to lose weight to look nice?
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#126826 - 10/30/03 06:59 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Let's not get angry with one another. 
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#126827 - 10/30/03 07:16 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 88
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Quote:
What if this conversation wasn't about porn - a "gray area" for many folks. What if it was about domestic violence, embezzlement, murder, or some other clear cut "sin"? Would it still be impolite to declare those things immoral or unethical? At what point do we declare what is right and what is wrong? Relevant moralism is a dangerous slope to dance upon.
I can't imagine it ever being impolite to classify domestic violence, murder, or embezzlement as "wrong" since they are all illegal acts . Looking at an adult internet site is a legal choice. I can understand how looking down one's nose at people who make this choice could be construed as impolite.
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#126828 - 10/30/03 07:22 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,362
Colorado
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Original Anon,
First, you are not pathetic, not in the least. This is a real issue and you have every right to be upset by it.
Second, don't apologize for "stirring up a fire storm". I'm sorry for your sake that the thread got off what is clearly the more important issue, which is the situation you are struggling with, but threads have a tendency to take on a life of their own, you can't stop them.
Third, as to what I would do, I think you've gotten some good advice already. I would probably try to get some outside help. For me, it would be through my church. I certainly wouldn't give up on the marriage, but I wouldn't ignore the issue either.
_________________________
Opinions are mine and not necessarily my employer's.
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#126829 - 10/30/03 07:24 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Quote:
Anon, you say that you've told him how this makes you feel. Has he told you why he's doing it?
He never offers any reason and I have never asked why. I usually just leave the room as he tries to exit out of everything before I can see what he's doing.
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#126830 - 10/30/03 07:32 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 862
Mexifornia
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Ok – I have some questions that may start a thought process and a way to solving this “crisis”!!!!!!!!
1. How long has this been going on? (“This is nothing new” suggests its been going on for a while)
2. How long have you known each other and been married?
3. Do you remember when it started?
4. Can you think of a reason why it may have started?
5. Is this a compensation for something that he can’t ask you to do?
6. How open are you when it comes to talking about sex acts?
7. Does he do it in a secretive manner?
8. How overweight are you really? (most people usually subtract 10 pounds in their mind when they think of their weight)
9. Is he looking at heterosexual sites only or anything goes?
10. Any idea what in particular is he is looking at?
11. Is he a member of those sites? (Check for credit card bill with madeupname.com charges on a monthly basis)
12. Have you suggested watching together and seen his reaction?
13. Is there an underlying issue to which this is just the smoke screen?
14. Does he spend more time on the net than with you?
15. How often do you talk to each other?
16. Do you work in the same field of employment?
17. Do you have same works hours and are home at the same time?
18. Any kids?
19. Do you dress up for him like you did when dating?
20. Do you wear “intimate” clothes or are you wearing granny pants now that you are married?
21. Is this a storm in a teacup?
Remember, no one but the two of you will be ultimately responsible for the success and failure of the marriage! How do I know? I have been married to the same women for 20 years – from the time we were both 18!!!!! It is easier to walk away than dig in and make it work!!!
_________________________
If you have enough, would you know?
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#126831 - 10/30/03 07:44 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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1. How long has this been going on? (“This is nothing new” suggests its been going on for a while) At least 3 years.
2. How long have you known each other and been married? 20 yrs.
3. Do you remember when it started? 3 years ago, that I know of
4. Can you think of a reason why it may have started? no
5. Is this a compensation for something that he can’t ask you to do? no
6. How open are you when it comes to talking about sex acts? very candid when talking with him
7. Does he do it in a secretive manner? yes
8. How overweight are you really? (most people usually subtract 10 pounds in their mind when they think of their weight) 5'5" 175 lbs
9. Is he looking at heterosexual sites only or anything goes? just women
10. Any idea what in particular is he is looking at? see above
11. Is he a member of those sites? (Check for credit card bill with madeupname.com charges on a monthly basis)nothing on the statements, but he does lots of buying and selling on ebay w/postal money orders.
12. Have you suggested watching together and seen his reaction? nope
13. Is there an underlying issue to which this is just the smoke screen? I really don't think so
14. Does he spend more time on the net than with you? yes
15. How often do you talk to each other? every day
16. Do you work in the same field of employment? he is unemployed
17. Do you have same works hours and are home at the same time? see above
18. Any kids? yes
19. Do you dress up for him like you did when dating? yes
20. Do you wear “intimate” clothes or are you wearing granny pants now that you are married? cute stuff
21. Is this a storm in a teacup? not sure how to answer that one.
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#126832 - 10/30/03 07:45 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 7,353
Anchorage Alaska
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Quote:
I am ready, willing, and able, to drag him to another room at any given time. That has never been a problem.
Original Anon  That statement made me feel so much better about your issue. If your darling wasn't touching you, didn't have anything to do with you, and you weren't still enjoying intimacy with him, I'd say you were in a world of hurt, but that's obviously not the issue
Personally, I have a couple of philosophies about the two issues you brought up. You may not care, but I'll give you the voice of experience and you can take it or leave it
I was married once. I learned after years of marriage that telling someone to stop something really doesn’t work. (As you've seen). He needs to arrive at the decision to stop, if it's necessary, but even if you feel it's wrong, it has to be his choice, hoping that he takes your feelings into consideration.
I didn't like that my ex decided to become a fireman. He's been put in life or death circumstances many times just to help out some idiot who was stupid enough to smoke in bed, or left their Christmas tree up til March, etc. He chose a profession that put his life at risk nearly daily...and believe me I HATED it! His mother said he couldn't do it (LOL) and I sure would have liked to chime in, but in the long run, I really had to just share my fears with him, and let him make his decision. Hopefully guilt free. I did not leave him because he became a fireman, I just lived with the worry, because I felt it was right to let him make the choice.
It's a more extreme example, but it's still an issue of people making demands on others choices. They never work, and eventually drive a rift into any relationship.
As to the internet issue, frankly, if life with my darling were still good, I wouldn't let it bother me. Sure I don't want to be lying in the room while he's doing his surfing But I'd see it akin to a Play boy Magazine, sure I don't care for the things, but they won't hurt me or my relationship.
As to you...LOVE YOURSELF DEAR! If you don't feel good about yourself as you are, either change that, or learn to love yourself. Obviously this man still does and if he's found something wonderful in you, no matter what the package has looked like over the years, you should be able to find that wonderfulness too He can't be all wrong!
I sure hope things work out, and he makes the right choice, the one that supports you, and supports his needs.
If not...put a virus on the computer and call it a day
_________________________
Dawn Coursey VP/CRA Queen
CRA Rating is in...Oh who cares...I'm home with the baby.
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#126833 - 10/30/03 07:45 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Quote:
Ok – I have some questions that may start a thought process and a way to solving this “crisis”!!!!!!!!
You know, it really is a crisis for me.
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#126834 - 10/30/03 07:52 PM
Re: What would you do? *DELETED* *DELETED* *DELETED*
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Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
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Post deleted by elena
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On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.
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#126835 - 10/30/03 08:49 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 7,353
Anchorage Alaska
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As grampy always said...there are many ways to skin a cat! (I never asked why he was skinning cats...) I feel for anon, and if she must resrot to a tiny little bit of devious behavior...heh heh, well it would deal with the issue for a little bit. 
_________________________
Dawn Coursey VP/CRA Queen
CRA Rating is in...Oh who cares...I'm home with the baby.
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#126836 - 10/30/03 08:57 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 660
KY
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This may sound trite, and i certainly DON'T mean it that way, but you said he didn't work... could this be a part of boredom... and how would you rate your husband's own self esteem? perhaps this is something he does when he has nothing else to do... and the hiding it is direct relation to guilt... he knows you don't like it and that makes him feel bad so he hides it. i know that i am posting with my name, but i know this subject well... my husband and i had some issues with this before we were married. i felt much the same way as anon... i am shall we say not at a perfect weight... and i just knew that he looked at that stuff cause he thought i was ugly and he liked that more than me... really kind of ate at me. but we talked about it, alot! and a few things finally happened. 1: i realized that it had NOTHING to do with me. that he did love me, i was pretty in his eyes. that my negative feelings for myself hurt him too, and while they didn't make him look at those sites, it didn't make him feel very comfortable around me. 2: he realized that i hated those sites and that he looked at them, he has stoped looking, as far as i know cause the third thing was that i stoped asking or checking if he did. i had to trust that he loved me above all else and that i was most important to him. and by doing so he seemed to open more to me, calmed down and quit looking at that stuff. and his reason for looking... he was bored... so thats why i asked the earlier question.
_________________________
Practice, practice makes perfect,
Perfect is a fault, and in fault lines change
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#126838 - 10/30/03 09:15 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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First of all anon, don't go on a diet and lose weight for your husband. Do it for yourself. We all go through bouts of not feeling good about ourselves.
Secondly, if your husband is looking at porn it may just be a passing phase. Don't jump to conclusions immediately because that will only make the problem worse. Personally, I don't care if my husband looks at porn and I too have gained some weight. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me any less or desires me any less. If the fact that he is looking at porn bothers you...talk to him. Tell him your feelings. Tell him that you aren't feeling desirable. Seek the truth.
Thirdly, depending on where you live you may be suffering from that seasonal disorder that affects people when the days shorten up. I am in the Midwest and to hear people talking about how down they feel seems very common right now with the shorter days. You may need some medication to help you through the winter and into the spring.
Don't let this fester like a bad wound and never heal. Deal with it head on. You will feel better about yourself and your relationship.
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#126839 - 10/30/03 09:22 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Original Anon's post could have been me! Except my husband rents porn on pay per view and needless to say it's costing a *(<>@@ lot of money each month! He knows it bothers me and he knows I have been feeling bad about myself because, again like the original anon, I've put on a few pounds - nothing extreme but I have always been slim and then I hit 40 and everything has fallen apart!  I sure appreciate all the advice everyone has given (even though it was meant for the original anon)!
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#126840 - 10/30/03 10:05 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Original Anon Here:
Thank You all for taking the time to post today. I will go home and pray about how I am going to handle myself. I always tell my kids to act, as opposed to react, so I guess that's what I have to do also. Again, thank you all, I really do appreciate you.
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#126841 - 10/30/03 10:18 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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#126842 - 10/30/03 10:50 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,357
A Grant Wood painting.
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I would love to get into the suposed "separation of RELIGION and state". (Our founding fathers were not on the supreme court in 1963(?)) Another time, another thread.
With regard to porn in general, it is hard to argue with the point that if your spouse is hurt by the action - don't do it. Life is hard enough without having your loved ones adding to the burden.
Bordem has got to play into this.
Seek help.
My most sincere best wishes in your search to figure this out. I would start with my pastor.
_________________________
The opinions expressed are what you can expect for the price paid.
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#126843 - 10/30/03 11:33 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 862
Mexifornia
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Here’s my 2 cents worth assessment based on your answers. I hope your one word or two word answers are not indicative of the kind of conversations the two of you are currently having. Nonetheless we all have your best interest at heart and I am sure majority of us are staunch advocates of a blissful married life for both of you.
Your husband may not say so but he and you both know that you are overweight. The ideal body weight for women of your height is between 125 – 145 pounds. Unfortunately your husband (like many men) is one who attaches greater value on the physical attributes than internal personality. At this point, he just sees you as the kid’s mom. Unfortunately the “girl” that was in his life is now replaced by those on the porn sites. He is now comparing you to other men’s women and probably his friend’s women as well and does not like what he sees. The fact that he is unemployed and has nothing much to do has made him into a devil’s workshop. How many workingmen here have time to go home and watch TV let alone get on a porn site? If he is employable, he needs to get up his butt and start looking. If he needs to go back to school to become re-employable, so be it.
You need to have a long talk about the good times you two have had together in the past 20 years. Tell him you know what he is doing and you don’t have a problem with it as long as he is not secretive about it. Bottom line – make up your mind to achieve the ideal body weight – not by starving but by a healthy plan (no quick fix pills). Do it for yourself and you know a secret? – Keep wearing those bigger clothes even as you lose all the weight – then one day when you have lost a substantial weight – BAM!! Put on that sexy lingerie and dial 911 – he may need to be revived!!! If this does not work, you have wasted 20 years of you life with a pervert.
_________________________
If you have enough, would you know?
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#126844 - 10/31/03 03:42 AM
Re: What would you do?
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,362
Colorado
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Quote:
Your husband may not say so but he and you both know that you are overweight. The ideal body weight for women of your height is between 125 – 145 pounds. Unfortunately your husband (like many men) is one who attaches greater value on the physical attributes than internal personality. At this point, he just sees you as the kid’s mom. Unfortunately the “girl” that was in his life is now replaced by those on the porn sites. He is now comparing you to other men’s women and probably his friend’s women as well and does not like what he sees.
Alien-American,
I'm sure your intentions were good, but you made a lot of major assumptions about what is really going on here, and some of the things you said are very hurtful. We honestly don't know what her husband is thinking. The porn may in fact have nothing to do with her weight. (After all, are you saying no man with a thin wife would look at porn?)
I also think simply telling her to lose weight is a simplistic approach to what is a real problem in her life. Sometimes it's not as easy as that. And it also may not be as easy as saying to him, he's got to stop. Addiction is a very real thing. I'm not excusing it, but sometimes sheer will-power is just not enough.
Original Anon,
I'm so glad you said you were going to go home and pray about this. It was hard for me to recommend that to you when I have no idea what your beliefs are, but I truly think that is the best answer. You'll need God's help with this. Both with getting what your husband is doing in the proper perspective, and with figuring out what your response should be. Also, prayer is really what you need for actually changing your husband. We never really can change another person's heart. But God can! I'll pray for you too!
_________________________
Opinions are mine and not necessarily my employer's.
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#126845 - 10/31/03 04:50 AM
Re: What would you do?
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,362
Colorado
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Rant Warning!!
Original Anon, forgive me if I hijack your thread for another topic, but this thread is just such a spectacularly good example of why users should register I just couldn’t pass it up. Other than 6 posts by the original anonymous poster who posted anonymously for an obvious reason and who identified herself in every subsequent post, we had 12 anonymous posts. Go back and read them. Can you tell who’s talking to who? Who’s responding to who? For all we know it’s just one person talking to themselves. It’s almost impossible to have a thread with a good give and take when you have several anonymous posters.
So, here’s my plea. Please register! There are many benefits, and from what I can tell over the last 9 months I’ve been registered, no draw-backs. No one will call. You won’t be inundated with emails from vendors. No one will forward your post to someone at your bank because no one will even know what bank you work for unless you tell them. As to benefits, you can private message other registered users. You are also much more likely to be taken seriously. It may not matter much in the Watercooler, but in the other forums, I don’t accept an anonymous answer to my question at face value, because it could be absolutely anyone. If the anonymous poster doesn’t provide a citation I can check for myself, or isn’t backed up by one of the registered users, it’s useless to me.
I also think you are more likely to get well thought out responses to your questions if you are registered. I don’t have time to read every post, but if I see that Bear Collector or CubDave is posting a question, for example, I’m more likely to read the question and spend the time researching the answer because I have some idea of who they are and where they are coming from and I know that I’m likely to benefit from the discussion.
However, if you insist on posting anonymously, at least use a different name consistently throughout a thread. Otherwise we have no idea who’s the original poster and who or how many anonymous posters we have responding. All you have to do is change the username where it defaults to anything else. Anything will be better than anonymous.
Ok, rant over.
_________________________
Opinions are mine and not necessarily my employer's.
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#126846 - 10/31/03 12:42 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Original Anon,
You say you have kids. Do they have a computer in their room? If so, get it out of there. Believe me, even with all the "parental controls" the porn and filth still gets through because those that produce it do not take long to figure out how to bypass the filters. Your children are at risk every time they use a computer, so PLEASE monitor their activity.
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#126847 - 10/31/03 01:21 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Bankguy,
You said "Sorry, but I must say: blah, blah, blah. I know someone who almost lost his family and I know another who is now in prison. Extremes? Yes. But it started innocently with Internet porn."
I know that happens, but does that mean that every kid that watches violent cartoons on TV is going to go out and kill somebody? Does that mean that every gun owner is going out to kill somebody? Does that mean that everybody that drinks (including a lot of BOL'ers) is going to go into a drunken stuper and smash the bank's computers? I fully realize that some people that view computer porn are perverted and commit sexual offenses. I also realize that the majority of people that view porn are normal people that DO NOT commit sexual offenses and never will. By the way, I know a 16 year old boy who was recently convicted as an adult for sexually molesting his 12 year old stepsister. He is from a Christian family and his mother and stepfather were in the house while the molestation was taking place. Computer porn was not an issue. He used a TV show and her "sexy" clothes as an excuse. Some parents are turning their daughters into sex objects as early as three and four years old. And they wonder why perverts target those kids.
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#126848 - 10/31/03 03:31 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Original Anon is in the building and actually smiling this morning. I went home, did not pray first, confronted my husband with how hurt I was, and to my surprise, he was hurting too. I can't believe I was so busy navel gazing that I didn't see his pain. We started out by praying together and then we had a long talk, well not too long, but good. In a nut-shell: He says that it has absolutely nothing to do with how he sees me. I said that to be one of the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate people I know, I couldn't understand why he continued when he knew it hurt me. He couldn't really answer that, but the look in his eye was healing for me. He reads "God Calling" every morning and is a Christian man. I asked him what he thought God Calling would have to say about it and he admitted that, he believes, it is probably not the best thing to do. We came to a mutual decision that I will work on my self esteem, (he is happy to help with this), and he will find more productive ways to spend his time. Bottom line: We Love each other, and thanks in part to lots of the things you all said yesterday, we are communicating much better today, and I feel so much better. He even drug me away from the dinner dishes last night, ordered the kids to do the clean up, and actually put a Do Not Disturb sign on our door.  You are all the greatest, as I received insight from EVERY post.
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#126849 - 10/31/03 03:33 PM
Re: What would you do? *DELETED*
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Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
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Post deleted by elena
_________________________
On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.
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#126850 - 10/31/03 03:42 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Gold Star
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 304
Midwest
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Anon...your post brought tears to my eyes!
_________________________
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
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#126852 - 10/31/03 03:55 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Nicely done! See, my gut is never wrong, except when I choose the triple cheeseburger over the double at Wendys! (have to feed my big ol' head you know )
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#126854 - 10/31/03 04:53 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,455
The Pennant Race
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Good for the both of you!
_________________________
The opinions expressed here are personal and do not represent opinions of my employer.
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#126855 - 10/31/03 06:20 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 862
Mexifornia
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[quote]
Alien-American,
I'm sure your intentions were good, but you made a lot of major assumptions about what is really going on here, and some of the things you said are very hurtful.[/quote]
My apologies if I offended anyone, although if anyone should be offended it is “Original Anon”. I am happy that thinks are beginning to look up and pray for a blissful married life. Honest communication is the key!
Great Blue!
Political correctness is not a strength of mine, probably because of cultural upbringing. Actually I think PC is for wusses. I am brutally frank but fiercely loyal because I don’t see any point in appeasing someone with superficial concern (and no I don’t think you had a superficial concern – it’s just a statement of fact about my personality).
Last edited by Alien-American; 10/31/03 06:23 PM.
_________________________
If you have enough, would you know?
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#126856 - 11/06/03 03:29 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Quote:
Run, don't walk, run, and get your husband a copy of the book "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It is one of the best books written to help men in the battle against pornographic images that are more and more flooding our media.
I know that no one has posted to this thread in almost a week, but I need to say this. I bought this book last night and read about half of it already. It's very good, and very eye-opening. It really makes you think. It also points out (to men) that you are not the only one who deals with this issue. Also, the book includes sections that speak directly to women. The sections for women are not very long, three pages at most for each section (about 6), but they may help women understand the struggle that their men face and how they can help. Just a suggestion.
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#126857 - 11/21/03 06:10 PM
Re: What would you do?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 713
Laramie, WY. USA
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I'll admit, I didn't read every post to this topic, but I had to make a comment. CubDave, I have never heard a man express such understanding and sensitivity to the issue of a woman feeling unattractive, etc, from your first reply to this post. I'm impressed. Like I said, I didn't read all of the replies, so maybe you messed up further down, but what I read amazed me. I wish more husbands could understand a woman's perspective of feeling inadequate. How else can we feel when bombarded by totally unrealistic images of unattainable bodies in the media? For 007, depending on the terms of your relationship, I'd probably feel free to check out some hot looking guys on the web. What's good for the goose... It's interesting how different people and circumstances are, but I'd kill for my husband to look at some porn, maybe the old fart would get horny!!!! LOL. I have to go home now! Wyogirl P.S. I have to add, my husband and I are older and have been married over 21 years. We have a great marriage. I should also say, my opinions are definitely not those of my employer, but I wish they were those of my husband!
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