If your knees bent backward how would you sit down?

Please explain how you came up with this...I called my daughter last night at 11:00 (boy, was she surprised and wanting to know what I was doing solving riddles at that hour and tracking her down at the Clemson game). She teaches 5th grade and was no help at all!

In high school Miss Donlan was called "one-eyed Maggie." She one eye that looked in a different direction. We never knew from one moment to another who she was looking at. Talk about intimidation!

Carlinism...

From the news...Heart transplants have declined recently due to the lack of donors....many people consider it an imposition...

Are there anymore Steven Wrightisms..............

You all are WAY out of my league this week. I can't think of anything!

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-Thomas Edison

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."
-Jimmy Durante

OTTFFSSE_ _

One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten

The 4th grade was the clincher... (nice one!)

"I get no respect."
-Rodney Dangerfield
(and most Compliance Officers!!)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Steven Wright paraphrased:

I'm extremely cruel. I named my dog, Stay. Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay....

Also...

Unknown source.

You should never drink and drive. You might spill your beer!

A personal favorite from George Carlin:
"Ever notice how everyone driving slower than you is an *****le, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?"

I told the doctor I had diarrhea...he put me on hold....

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Pass me a beer... these Friday posts are getting good!!

Why is there braille on drive up ATMs?????

When we are driving, why do we lower the radio when looking for an address???

In reply to:

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Why is there braille on drive up ATMs?????

---

The same reason there are signs saying "Seeing Eye Dogs Allowed" on bank doors.

1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goaL posts

"Are there any more Steven Wrightisms....?"

A short list:

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I always have admired Murphy's laws.
1. if anything can go wrong, it will.
2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first.
3. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway,
4. If you perceive there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop,
5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse,
6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something,
7. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
8. Mother Nature is a bitch.

That's like when someone tells me "Oh, you can't miss it".... which invariably means I will drive around for three hours - likely in the dark - looking for it.

The following are variations of the old "Is the pope Catholic?" or "Does a bear pee in the woods?" responses to dumb questions:

When someone asks you a question where the answer is obviously "yes," just smile and say:

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

OR

Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

When my husband and I got married, family and friends kept asking "when are you going to have kids?", "when are we going to get a grandchild?", "When is little Timmy going to have a cousin?" (You know, we've all had it said to us or we have said it to others).....Finally, my husband was getting worn out by all of these questions and began by answering; "We work on it every night!" (of course not true, but it stopped the questions pretty quick!)

Everyone have a good weekend and to those fellow bankers in Maryland, Virgina, and Alabama...may you now have some peace.

Addendums to Murphy's Law

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
20. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50_50_90 rule: Anytime you have a 50_50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Then there is always Murphy's Laws of Technology.

Murphy's Technology Laws
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.