It was about 4PM on a Sunday. The waiting area was packed with malingering whiney-baws, harried soccer moms and their bruised, violent hooligans, armchair football warriors who tripped over their coffee tables and sacked themselves- right into the TV-, and the "Bucket Brigade" (seasonal GI bug sufferers). I was float RN and I was covering the Charge RN for a lunch break when the Charge RN's phone rang; I picked it up. On the other end was the Triage RN. Her rather hushed tone was laden with, oh, I don't know... a strange, pressured awkwardness, I suppose.

(I am here to tell you: it's damned hard for an ER nurse to feel awkward. Just think of all those tubes we wave around and where we put them.)

Awkwardness usually is not an issue with us unless we encounter something so shockingly unexpected that our brains just sort of go Gah-WOOOOO-gah. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it can be entertaining.

...Such as in the case of the conversation I was having with the triage nurse.

"Why are you whispering?" I asked.

"I don't want them to hear me," she answered with a very strange lilt and timbre to her voice.

Let me try to recreate the nurse's tone of voice for the reader. Imagine you and your friend are in Dracula's castle and you have found your way to the vampire's crypt. It's pitch dark down there, and your friend lights a match while you are turned the other way. There, illuminated before your friend's eyes by the frail light of the lit match, is the Ole Bloodsucker himself... sound asleep in his coffin.

...But the Count also happens to be dressed in a neon yellow tutu, a huge green foam-rubber cowboy hat, a blue feather boa, and bright red patent-leather seven-inch platform shoes. Oh, wait, wait... And he has on those really, REALLY HUGE plastic sunglasses.

(I know what you're thinking: "Hey, wait! That's Elton John!" Well, that's just ridiculous. Stop being silly.)

Anyway, having recovered from the inital shock, your friend says to you in a voice that tries to convey the full color of what he sees without waking the monster, "Um, there is something over here that might interest you..."

Are you imagining that tone of voice? Yes, that's what I was hearing.

"Okay," I said with an exasperated sigh. "You don't want who to hear you?"

"The strippers!" she snapped in a hissed whisper over the phone (which was, I may point out, actually loud enough to awaken the Count and send him into a frenzy of... of... hmm... well, into a frenzy of whatever the [censored] he was doing wearing that preposterous getup).

"Strippers!?" I blurted out. The entire Western Hemisphere turned around to look at me. I smiled wanly. It was my turn to feel awkward.

"Yes. Strippers."

"How many?" I asked. Now I really had coworkers tilting their heads toward me to listen. This was looking bad- really bad.

"Six," the triage nurse reported.

"Well, what do they want?" I asked, as if they were a 60 Minutes crew coming to do an ambush interview. (I still roll my eyes at myself.)

"Umm, they say they want to be seen," The triage nurse replied.

"Why else would they be strippers?" I asked drily. (I'm sorry, but I really did say it. It just sort of slipped.)

"Dammit, that's not funny!" she hissed.

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry." I said, drawing another very heavy sigh and rubbing my eyes. "What are their chief complaints?"

"They are all the same," she answered.

"Hmm... okay, I'll ask. What is it?"

"Rash," the nurse answered flatly.

"Rash?"

"Rash."

After fighting very, very hard to keep imagery and snappy remarks at bay, I asked, "Do they have fevers?"

"Umm..." I heard the nurse rifling through papers; then, "No."

I looked at the bed board. Quick Care was just opening, and had ten beds. All the other patients were going to need more complex care, and those beds were opening up soon.

"Okay. Send the six of them to Quick Care along with the two people with finger lacs (cuts), the migraine patient, and the one with the ankle injury.

"The ankle injury has a nine-year-old son with her."

"Put her in a room that has a DOOR."

"Okayyyyyy. Bye-bye."

I hung up the phone. The Charge RN arrived from lunch a few minutes later.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"Yep. No problems," I said.

"Great. Let's see here," she said, looking at the assignment sheet. "Oh!" Quick care is full, and there is only one nurse and no ED Tech. Why don't you go help them out until 1900?"

(Cue Symphony of "Oh, [censored]" in D minor.)

"Uh, sure. Okay."

The Charge nurse tilted her head, looked closely at me, and asked, "Are you okay?"

I must have actually gone pale. I thought I just thought pale.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

I walked like a condemned man to Quick Care.

The, um, entertainers were given their own rooms, handed warm blankets, and instructed to change in to the gowns provided to them. I gave them time by seeing first the ankle injury, and then the migraine (a frequent flyer). Grabbing the first clipboard, I knocked on the wall and asked the patient if I could come in.

"Sure," she answered.

I pulled the curtain and walked through. The woman had her gown on "Hollywood style" (that is, open in the front). And untied. Hanging rather loosely open. (If they were real, they were spectacular.)

While looking at my shoes, I instructed the patient that the gown was to be open in the back (in the BACK, for God's sake) and exited the room.

It was the same with the other five strippers.

During the interval in which the strippers were correcting their gowns, the MD came in. It was the darling, slight, quiet, staid MD from Ole Miss herself.

Dear God, I am sorry for whatever it was I did to deserve this fate. Please can you make it stop now?

The MD hummed to herself as she looked through the charts. Looking at the migraine sufferer's chart, she asked, "Typical migraine?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"She has a clinical alert. No narcotics. It's Toradol and Compazine IM for her," she said, scrawling the order on the chart.

"Got it. I have also put in the order for a three-view ankle X-ray for the patient in Nine. Status-post hysterectomy."

"Great!" chirped Ole Miss.

"Both finger lacs have up-to-date tetanus shots, and have been infiltrated by Mags (the other RN).

"Awesome." The MD then began looking over the remaining six charts. After the third stripper's chart, the humming stopped and Ole Miss furrowed her brow.

"We have six patients with rashes."

"Yes, we do. They are all entertainers from the same, um, establishment."

Ole Miss looked up at me and cocked an eyebrow. Then she caught my meaning.

"You mean they're all strippers..." The MD said flatly.

"Uh, yes. They are all strippers."

"Oh, [censored]. They never learn, do they?" the MD said as she turned on her heel and strode to the first stripper's room. After knocking, the MD entered the room as I followed her with the patient's chart.

"Where is your rash?" asked Ole Miss.

"Oh, it's all over!" answered the stripper, who stripped off her entire gown to emphasize her point.

Oh, God. Get me out of this.

The reddened areas were, indeed, everywhere, but in a discreet pattern. The patient had red areas to her inner forearms, her inner upper arms, between her breasts, running in a straight line down her abdomen, along both inner thighs, and on her inner calves.

"That's not a rash. That's cellulitis." The MD said.

"What's that?" the stripper asked.

"A bacterial skin infection." The MD answered. She scribbled an order for an oral antibiotic on the chart and departed the room. I told the stripper to please (PLEASE!) put her gown back on and left the room.

I caught up with the MD in the next stripper's room. Same nonchalant exposure, same pattern of reddened skin, same diagnosis. Same plea to re-cover. Same hasty retreat.

The scene was repeated on down the line. Finally, completely exasperated, the MD had all six strippers get dressed (inasmuch as their street clothes allowed for it) and come into one exam room.

Having gathered the girls together, the MD handed discharge instructions and prescriptions to each girl, sat down heavily, sighed, and finally poleaxed the six of them with an icy glare and four words:

"WASH. THE. DAMN. POLE!"

The MD then stood up and left the room, shaking her head.

The strippers looked at each other with "Hey, wowwwwwww" expressions. The light came on for a moment- perhaps flickering and crackling from a short in the wiring somewhere, but at least it was on.

I handed each a large, hideously bitter antibiotic tablet and a cup of water.

"Umm... any questions?"

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

MAN TO WOMAN!!!


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, Cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the children, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and Picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners and Stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1P.M. He hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, Vacuum, Dust and Sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the children and Got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and Got the children organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 He began peeling potatoes And washing vegetables for salad, Breaded the pork chops and Snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the children, And put them to bed. At 9 PM He was exhausted and, Though his daily chores weren't finished, He went to bed Where he was expected to make love, Which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, LET US TRADE BACK. Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait NINE months, though. You got pregnant last night!

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking hot chocolate.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his hot chocolate, then thoughtfully says ,"You better think it over -women like that are hard to find."
______

Dear Printer Repair Man:

Please come to my house and check my printer. Every time I use

the printer and I am away while it prints - my papers are wrinkled,

even shredded. Sometimes the ink is blurred . I hope that you

can find the problem!!


Sincerely,
Concerned Computer Owner


Click here to see what the problem was!

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.


Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the
measles and my mum said it was contagious.' 'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher.

'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, 'My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.' 'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher.

'Anyone else?'

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.'

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'



'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f**##*#* blanket.'



After a moment of silence, he farted.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE - A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just krap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET - A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK - There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

BLONDE ON THE SUN - A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde
replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM - A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! -

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

LOLoad!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....

Best, Wendi Aarons Austin , TX

BREAKFAST

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: “Don’t attempt these task-organizing tips at home,” he said.

“Why not?” he was asked.

“Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast,” he replied, a little embarrassed. “I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, ‘Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.’”

He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.”

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Employer's Lingo:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast-Paced Team"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties Will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must Have an Eye For Detail"
We have no quality control.

"Career-Minded"
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.

"Apply in Person"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No Phone Calls Please"
We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

"Problem-Solving Skills a Must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.



Employee's Lingo:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hardworking and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes..."
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.

"I'm extremely professional"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I am adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.


One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.


He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.


Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."


The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"


The first little old lady says, "Look at that."


"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."


"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."


"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."


"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."


"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."


"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."


"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."


"And now that I'm 80, the d@#$ed things are growing wild!!"

Revolutions: The Eagle & The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it!" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" asks the Almighty.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota," said St. Peter.

Top 25 List of New Flavors to Commemorate Ben & Jerry's Endorsement of Barack Obama


25. Coffee For A Change (previously retired B&J flavor)
24. Polyanna Obama Banana
23. Free Lunch Crunch
22. Bright Clean Nice Ice
21. Socialist Sorbet
20. Chocolate Mousselim
19. Barry No Idea Garcia
18. Commie Caramel Surprise
17. Scary Barry Dream
16. Chocolate Fluff Shuffle
15. Half Baked Funky Monkey
14. Madmadamia Nut
13. Baraccoli Swirl- Tastes disgusting, but at least it's a change.
12. Chocolate Brownie Bites with Dope We Can Believe In
11. BarackBerry
10. Negropolitan
9. Che Guava Revolution
8. Magic Negro Cookie Dough
7. Death by Diversity
6. Vanilla White Guilt
5. Madrassa Mint
4. Empty Suity Fruity
3. S'mores Wars
2. Mocha Messiah
1. Baracky Road

Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.

HELLO DADDY, HELLO MAMA (A Letter from Camp Obama)
Tune: "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp)"

Hello Daddy
Hello Mama
Here I am at
Camp Obama
Camp's as pretty
As a painting
And they say we'll have some fun if we stop fainting

Our Barack has
Gifts of healing
Stevie Wonder's
Out four-wheeling
I met Oprah
Over dinner
Since she's been here she's got thirteen inches thinner

All the campers
Drink the Kool-Aid
That the counselors
At the school made
This is change we
Can believe in
'Cause the campers who come in here won't be leavin'

Now I just thought
I should buy ya
A small bust of
Our Messiah
You can put it
On your dashboard
It will guide and guard your car so it won't crash more

Yes we can!
Oh Daddy, Mama!
Yes we can!
I love Obama!
Don't tell me
I ought to find out facts
Of how
He plans to spend and tax

Yes we can!
I promise he will
Heal the holes
That cause the problems
In our souls
Oh please don't make me say
Just how--
He'll find a way

Got to stop now
Looks like we're through
Camp Obama
Has a curfew
Every day it's
Early rising
After "Washing of the Brains" it's "Plagiarizing"

Wait a minute
What's this gabbin'
Two new campers
In our cabin
See their nametags
Read the printin'
Seems the campers' names are Bill and Chelsea Clinton!

That was actually kinda funny

lol I like the song, but then again, that was one of my favorite Dr. Demento tunes.

It was funny.

I know the lady that wrote that letter. It is ABSOLUTELY real...really hilarious.

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have $ex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and Y SL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .


Now give me back my dog.

The Wal-Mart Greeter (priceless)

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "He11 no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the he11 would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got l@id twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."