THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN GUY SAY:
>
> 31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
>
> 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
>
> 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
>
> 28. Duct tape won't fix that.
>
> 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
>
> 26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
>
> 25. You can't feed that to the dog.
>
> 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
>
> 23. Wrestling is fake.
>
> 22. We're vegetarians.
>
> 21. Do you think my gut is too big?
>
> 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
>
> 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
>
> 18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
>
> 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
>
> 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
>
> 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
>
> 14. Trim the fat off that steak.
>
> 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
>
> 12. The tires on that truck are too big.
>
> 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
>
> 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
>
> 9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
>
> 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
>
> 7. Checkmate
>
> 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
>
> 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
>
> 4. I don't have a favorite college team.
>
> 3. You Guys.
>
> 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
>
> AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
>
> 1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to
> re-elect OBAMA!

0. Does this tie class with my suit?

As a southern guy, I find your list to be pert near rat. But #30 is jest a upsettin' me.

::spits tabacky juice pert near thuh Yank's shiny, fancy shoe::

Now, iff'n you uz tuh change "only sixteen" to "my cousin" I reckon you'n me'll be awwrat.

Zima? They still make that stuff?

This one you will hear: "6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini" in re: his daughter. And it will apply until she's 35.

32. A couch does not belong on the porch.

33. I'm going to take my Prius to the car wash.

34. Lynyrd Skynyrd is over-rated.

35. We better not try that, it could be dangerous

36. no, i don't like her hair that big

37. Now that you ask, i've never had a mullet

38. I'll have an appletini please

39. I wish the exhaust on my truck was quieter

40. Soccer is a sport

41. People from New Jersey are so smart

42. "You're right, watching guys driving cars at 200 MPH in a circle for 3 hours is boring. Let's watch figure skating instead."

!!

43. I am cleaning up the yard and carrying all this junk to the landfill.

44. Let's take the Christmas lights off the house.

45. No, I don't think bailing wire and duct tape will fix it.

46. Sure, I'd much rather go shopping with you honey instead of fishing with the boys.

47. Shooting off fireworks in the middle of the street is boring and irresponsible.

48. I'd never shoot bambi's mom!

50. I graduated from grade school.

51. "Go to the Rodeo? But the Ballet is in town!"

51. Golf is a waste of time.

51. do you think we have too many cars on cinderblocks in front of the double wide?

52. Boy, that Tom Brady is a pretty man.

51. Sure. I can count way past 50.

53. Pardon me, m'am. Do you have any vittles that ain't fried? I'm trying to watch my cholesterol.

51. "....99, 100!"

Fifty..whatever. "Get in here and quit filming that tornado!"