FlGal, We'll keep your family in our thoughts!!

Dawnie....Your words are so kind....Thank you very much. However, I don't think or feel like a "poster child" for daughters. Believe me when I say, there are many who are much better daughters than I ever was.

As read your remarks and those of others, I realized what everyone is saying is true. There is nothing more that I could have done that would have had a positive affect.

My mother was a good person. She was a wonderful mother, grandmother, and greatgrandmother. She was a devout Catholic, seldom missing mass or daily prayers. Poor dear, when she did miss her prayers for some reason, she would "catch up" the next day. I've had people tell me what a wonderful friend she was...always willing to help. They even spoke of her humor, keeping everyone laughing when she was around. I was unaware of that side of my mother.

I know that all I can do is place her in God's hands, trusting that he will reward her for the life she lived on earth. I only hope that I can be half the person she was, measuring up to His expectations when my work is complete.

In the meantime, I will strive to overcome this guilt that seems to have consumed me. You'd think I'd be able to over come it by now, it is almost a year since this happened.........My heart is willing but my mind will not let me......

Once again, I wish to thank all of you for the kind words and encouragement. I have found comfort in all of them.

Kathy

Please don't beat yourself up about something that was out of your hands from the beginning. When the Lord decided He wanted her, there was nothing you, or a bigger city could have done. Your being there would not have changed the outcome. Life and death are His perview.

And while there are religious rites and ceremonies, these are devised by man, to help make us think about our relationship with God and make it special. I believe, when people are sick, they spend alot of time thinking about their relationship with Him.

I pray that you take some comfort and strength in knowing that there are people around you who love you and wish you well.

FlBankerGal.....

I am truly sorry for your father and sister. The road is hard to travel. Please see that you are tested for Colon Cancer as well......With those odds, don't take chances....\

I will keep you in my prayers.....

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to share this story now, but here it is.

My father passed away about 5 years ago. He had a heart condition. Not one of blocked arteries, but rather the nerve pathways that send the electrical impulses to the heart had deteriorated so that every once in a while his heart would stop.

He was fiercely independent and would not allow the woman (who was 85 years old) who lived with him to call 911. One time she could not wake him and she called me in a panic. He had been outside watering the lawn and was planning to go to church but came inside because he felt a little dizzy. He sat down in his favorite chair and seemed to fall asleep.

I should have called 911 right away, but instead I jumped in my car and drove over as fast as I could since they only lived a couple of miles away. When I got to their house, I called 911 and then tried to administer CPR. It was to no avail. The paramedics showed up a few short minutes later and took over, but were unable to revive him.

As we sat waiting for the coroner, the second guessing set in. I should have called 911 right away. I should have insisted he stay in the hospital longer. I should have come over more often and helped him with an exercise routine. I should have.... I should have....

Sensing this, the paramedic said these words to me:

"I don't mean to sound insensitive, but when I die, I hope I go just like your Dad. At home, active to the end, surrounded by my loved ones, and feeling no pain or suffering. You have no idea how horrible it is to die in a hospital. If you had called sooner, I don't think it would have made a difference."

The police officer who had arrived then called the coroner's officer to find out how long it would take for someone to arrive (in Los Angeles county, it can take over 24 hours). The coroner on the phone asked the officer to describe the situation. The officer read the perscriptions my Dad had been taking, and the medical diary my dad had started. The coroner then gave his badge number to the officer and authorized the police to release the body. No coroner's investigation was necessary, and we did not have to wait for hours for the coroner.

I was then asked to select a mortuary. Not knowing any, I started thumbing through the Yellow Pages. I started to look at the phone number of a well known mortuary, then all of a sudden my attention was diverted to another one nearby. It was almost like I felt a presence direct me to the listing.

The people at the mortuary were wonderful, compassionate, and they never pressured me to spend my life's savings on a funeral. We decided on a memorial service held in their chapel which was a wonderful Spanish mission-style building, the kind my Dad loved. I had no idea this place existed.

In the following days as I sorted through his paperwork, I was horrified to see how dire my dad's financial position was. He had almost no money in the bank, but had escalating credit card bills most of which were to pay for his medical treatments. Three years earlier, he had declined supplimental Medicare, and was ineligible for any county or state aid because his $800 a month in Social Security was $50 more than the "cut-off" point for assistance.

He never let on to any of us in the family what his financial status had become.

However, when we held a memorial service for him, there was standing room only in the chapel. People were lined up outside the door to pay their respects. For 15 or 20 minutes, person after person stood up and recalled how my father made a difference in their lives.

He cared nothing for himself, but would freely give of his time and energy to help anyone who asked. I almost think he would rather have died while he was still ambulant then to become a burden to anyone.

He may have been financially poor when he died, but he was one of the wealthiest people I ever knew, in the ways that wealth truly counts.

I guess my point in all of this is, you do what you feel is right at the time when it comes to your loved ones. Don't second guess yourself because you are only cheating their memory when you do so.