Another Carlinism....

Ever notice that anyone who drives slower than you is an..... er.. a jerk, while anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Another Carlin-ism -- Which semi would you rather be in an accident with? The one that is Flammable or Highly Flammable, or Highly Inflammable?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer
you live.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much
jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing
is free yet?

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in
the same box.

You people must not have lives!

I like being a pessimist. If I'm right, at least I'm right. If I'm wrong, it's a good thing!

(Don't know who the original source of this was. It might have been me, not sure.)

Friday sure started early today (6:58)-----must be the holiday weekend!!


Since that probably means that a lot of you will be taking off early, have a great weekend.

No one has touched this one yet,
Why everyone in the compliance department show up for work in their respected offices on Friday?

Friday is the official travel day for the examiner.

Examiners are much like your local insurance agent, when you provide them with a claim, the gladly give you a list of their exemptions.

If I knew then, what I know now.....I would probably do it anyway!

Re: one head turning against the other - My sister is a hairdresser and has as clients sisters who are so conjoined as to have essentially one body, but two distinct heads. She said that they argue over everything, including hair length. So, my sister cuts one half of the hair very short and leaves the other half very long.

If only compliance were so easy...

Are you serious??????

Is that two cuts for the price of one, or just one person, one bill? If one wants to diet and the other doesn't, does fasting help? (I never should have gotten up early today.)

Here are a few pearls of wisdom from my ex-husband. He's history but the "wisdom" lingers:

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

If you invite the circus you have to expect a little elephant poop.

What if one likes caffienated coffee and the other decaf?

Sometimes I think my only purpose in life is to serve as a bad example for others!

Here's another Yogi quote that may become all too apropos in a short time: "If people don't want to come to the ballpark, you can't keep them away."

And one more: "90% of the game is 50% mental." Hmmm; could that be why the warring millionaires are having trouble reaching a consensus? Because they're lost in thought (after all, it's unfamiliar territory)?

A quote from one of my directors, "If you play with 'poop', you've got to expect to get some on you."

And here are the remaining Yogi-isms: www.yogiberra.com

Here is one to ponder: If compliance officers made an average of $2,000,000 a year, do you think they would be on strike?

Bumpersticker-ism: "Honk if you have never seen a handgun fired from a car window."

If a man says something in a forest, and there's no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

What happened to Preparations A through G?
- George Carlin

Of course!!!!!

He would chuck as much as a woodchuck could
if a woodchuck could chuck wood!

In an advanced English class given to Japanese students, the instructor decodes this conundrum:

"The woodsman chopped down the tree, then he chopped it up."

A favorite quote from my HS history teacher and his favorite insult:

"I don't want to see and Italian eyes Roman"

"You must be the North end of a horse headed South"

"You must be the North end of a house headed South"

I always heard that one with a horse, but I guess house would work depending on the back porch...

As a compliance officer, some people think I am in my own little world. But that's Ok, they know me here.