Once upon a time, there was a prince who was placed under a spell - he may only speak one word each year. But if he saves that single word, he would be able to speak two words the next year.

One day, The Prince fell in love with a princess and wanted to tell her how he felt. The only problem was: he could only speak one word each year and that's not enough to express his feelings. So The Prince waited for two years so he could say 'My Darling' to the princess.

But by the end of the 2nd year, he thought that wasn't enough to tell her how he felt. Thus, The Prince decided to wait for another three years so he could say 'My Darling, I love you.'

But by the end of the 5th year, he felt that wasn't quite enough to express his feelings. The Prince decided to wait for another four years so he could say 'My Darling, I love you. Will you marry me'?

After nine years of waiting and maintaining his unrequited love for her, the day finally comes when The Prince would at last be able to share his feelings for her. He took her for a romantic picnic under the moonlight. Around midnight, he led her to the river and held her in his arms and said: "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

The princess blushed, looked into his gorgeous eyes, smiled and said, "Pardon?"

ah Becka, how sad! And why is this lovely creature waitin around for this speechless guy anyway? Or maybe that is part of the moral of the story eh? Guys are just no good at communication.

I dunno...shortage of eligible Princes, perhaps?

A recently married young couple, Bob and Jane, were both lapsed Catholics who hastily eloped and were married by a Justice of the Peace. Coming up on their first wedding anniversary and ready to start a family, they both had a change of heart and decided that they wanted to return to the Church and to celebrate their anniversary and love for each other, be married again by a priest.

Bob and Jane went to see Father Doyle. The kindly priest counseled them to attend Mass every day for a month. Bob and Jane said, “That’s no problem Father, we can do that.”

Father Doyle also told them they must obtain their baptismal records and complete a standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form and attend prenuptial classes three times a week for the next month. Holding hands and deeply gazing into each others eyes, Bob and Jane responded, “We will gladly do that Father”.

And one more thing, the priest said, “As a sign of your commitment and as an act of contrition, you must abstain from marital relations for the next month.”

Bob and Jane looked at the priest, then at each other and after taking a deep breath, Jane said, “Father, Bob and I are committed to doing whatever you and the Church asks of us”.

After four weeks passed, Bob and Jane returned to see Father Doyle. The priest asked, “So how did things go?”

Jane said, “We went to Mass every day and we got our baptismal records and completed the standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form and attended all the prenuptial classes just as you instructed.”

“And”?, asked Father Doyle.

Bob and Jane hesitated to answer and blushed and then Bob said, “Well I have to tell you Father, the first day was agony!”

“The second day was nearly unbearable but I took a lot of cold showers.”

“But we have to admit, that on the morning of the third day, well I don’t know what happened, but my beautiful wife had a carton of orange juice in her hand and we looked into each others eyes and she dropped the orange juice and the carton split open and orange juice was all over the floor and we just snapped! I’m embarrassed and sorry to say we disrobed right there and then and did it on the floor.”

Father Doyle shook his head and said, “I’m sorely disappointed in you both”. “I’m afraid I cannot allow you back into the Church”.

Bob said, “I understand Father.” “The manager of the 7-11 said we weren’t welcome back there either”.

A lonely widow woman places a personal add that reads:
"widow seeking male companion. Requirements: you cannot be abusive; you must promise to never leave me, and you must be GREAT in bed"
After several months, she became discourage as no one that answered her add was able to meet all of the requiremants had.

Then...one day her doorbell rang. When she answered she found a man in a wheelchair; he had no arms and no legs.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"Yes, I am here to answer your add for a companion." he said.
"If I may ask, why do you think you are qualified to fulfill the requirements I have for a comanion?"

He replied "Well, because I have no arms, I can never hit you or abuse you; because I have no legs, I will never leave you.......and I did ring the doorbell."


They've been together ever since....

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defense attorney? " She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the
electric chair."

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.

“Great, just great”, I moaned.

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, “I am not happy”..............

To which I replied, “Well.....Which one are you then?”

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday School class, conducted by Sister Mathilde. The lesson plan for the day called for the sister to utilize the scriptures to teach the children about mortality, and the necessity of using one’s life for a good and valuable purpose.

“Now, children,” she announced, “we all know that life is not forever, and that while we are here on Earth we must use our limited time in a valuable way. When you are in your casket, and friends and family are grieving over you and mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

Ricky raised his hand.

“Yes, Ricky?” called out Sister Mathilde.

“Sister,” responded Ricky, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, healed the sick, and that I was kind to my family.”

“That’s excellent, Ricky,” Sister Mathilde commented. “Anyone else?”

Patty raised her hand.

“Yes, Patty?” called Sister Mathilde.

“Sister,” said Patty, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful wife and a school teacher who made a huge difference to our children of tomorrow.”

“That’s very commendable, Patty,” responded Sister Mathilde.

Then Little Johnny raised his hand, and, reluctantly, Sister Mathilde called on him.

“Yes, Johnny?” she said. “What would you like for them to say about you?”

“Sister,” Little Johnny answered, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”

At the same school, it was somewhat later in the year that a special day had been declared – Teacher’s Day – and Miss Smith was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist’s son handed her a wrapped gift, and, as she received it, she said with a warm smile, “I bet I know what it is – some flowers.”

“How did you know?” asked the young child.

“Just a guess,” Miss Smith replied with a knowing smile.

The candy store owner’s daughter next gave Miss Smith a small box.

Miss Smith shook it.

“I can guess,” she smiled again, “it’s a box of candy.”

“Yes!” said the little girl. “How did you know that, Miss Smith?”

“Just a lucky guess,” winked the savvy teacher.

Next, Little Johnny, whose father owned a wine shop, approached with a large, gift-wrapped box. When Miss Smith shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it.

“Is it wine?”

Little Johnny shook his head, “No, teacher.”

She tasted again.

“Champagne?”

“No, Miss Smith,” said the boy.

“I give up,” said Miss Smith. “What is it?”

‘Oh, Miss Smith,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “it’s a puppy!”

Tom, a handsome young fellow, walked into the bar around 9:45 PM and sat down next to a blonde staring up at the TV. The 10:00 news soon came on and featured the story of a man on the ledge of a large building who was preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Tom and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Tom said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Hearing this, Tom placed a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building and fell to his death.

The blonde was upset, but willingly handed her twenty dollars to Tom, saying, “Fair’s fair; here’s your money.”

Tom smiled knowingly, then replied, “I’m afraid I can’t really take it. You see, I watched the news at five PM and knew he’d jump.”

“Oh, I did, too, “the blond replied. “I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

With that, Tom took the money.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s***.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. (Works for X)
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a d**n.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's [censored] with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

TERMINOLOGY USED IN PERSONAL ADS
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as [censored]
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
Heath Care Professional.. Hillary Clinton
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height.................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
------------------------------------------------------------

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life."

"The rocks are the important things - your family, your spouse, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car."

"The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Ok guy, its bad enough you post stuff as new and amusing, when it was already posted by someone else two weeks ago, but it's pretty sad when you start to repost the same thing twice in the same thread that you started.

Read what the he11 you're gonna post first for crimeny's sake!

Double and triple posts are specifically for those of you with lower IQ's - each time you read the joke, you find it funny, so what's the problem, buck?

Actually, dude, they kinda loose their edge after the third or fourth time, kinda like you have as of late.

You used to be a good time.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway...

Oh, wait. I think this one has been posted two or three times before.

Nevermind.

becka.. its sounds familiar... just cant remember the punch line

heehee, i liked the one about the personal ads. we had to write a short parody in my creative writing class back in high school...i wrote a personal ad with the "translation" mixed init...it was really funny! well, my mom thought so....

What do ya mean, good time - funny? Let me understand this cause, I don't know maybe it's me, but I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh... I'm here to ******' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

No, no, I don't know... you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the [censored] am I funny, what the [censored] is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny!

True Southerners
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess.

A true Southerner can show or point you in the general direction of cattywumpus.

A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. No true Southerner has a problem handling his (or her) "pot likker."

True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and a nanner puddin'.)

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."

True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

True Southerners never go snipe hunting twice. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

True Southerners sometimes wear long sleeves, but only if they roll 'em up past the elbows.

True Southerners are born knowing that you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody.

True Southerners have always known that the South is more American than America.
_____


TIPS FROM SOUTHERNERS TO NORTHERNERS.....

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of bein' right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
8. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitatin' a southern accent.
9. Get used to hearin', "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
10. People walk slower here.
11. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
12. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinkin' on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store, it's just something you're supposed to do.
18. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
19. As you are cursin' the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
20. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off tryin' to find it your own self.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT






A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!


A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

After having their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.

You know your from Wisconsin when:


Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Packers as "we."
You have gotten frost-bitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify and Illinois accent.
You know what cow-tipping is.
Down South to you means Chicago.
Travelling coast to coast means going from LaCrosse to Milwaukee.
A brat is something you eat.
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You consider Madison exotic.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
You know what a bubbler is.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
You know how to polka.
You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop."
Formal wear is blue jeans and a baseball cap.
Your 4th of July Family Picknic was moved indoors due to frost.
You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
You can visit Luxembourg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London, and Poland all in one afternoon.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow.
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
You know what to do with a Blatz.
You actually understand these jokes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You might be from North Dakota if:


If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a bar . . .
If you can identify a Minnesota accent . . .
If "down south" to you means Aberdeen . . .
If you have no problem spelling "Wahpeton" . . .
If you have an ICBM in your back yard . . .
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones . . .
If your kids' baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out . . .
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right . . .
If at least 50% of your relatives smell like beets . . .
If you don't understand what the big deal about Moorhead is . . .
If people borrow things to you . . .
If you have ever served glorified rice at a wedding reception . . .
If you refer to the state just east of you as "The People's Republic of Minnesota" . . .
If you expect to be excused from school for deer season . . .
If the soup du jour at your home-town cafe is always beer cheese or knoephla . . .
If you like to send liberal Democrats to Congress and rock-ribbed Republicans to the statehouse . . .
If your favorite hors'douvre is little weenies and barbeque sauce in a crockpot . . .
If you refer to the blessed union of an ELCA Lutheran and a Missouri-Synod Lutheran as a "mixed marriage" . . .
If you'd like to laugh at this, but you're afraid someone will notice you . . .

If The Airlines Sold Paint
Customer (CU): Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk (CL): Well, sir, that all depends.

CU: Depends on what?

CL: Actually, a lot of things.

CU: How about giving me an average price?

CL: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

CU: What's the difference in the paint?

CL: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

CU: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

CL: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

CU: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

CL: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

CU: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

CL: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

CU: You've got to be kidding!

CL: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

CU: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.

CL: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

CU: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

CL: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

CU: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

CL: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

CU: What?

CL: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

CU: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

CL: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

CU: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?

CL: Yes, sir, it will.

CU: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

CL: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.