Two blondes were working on a house. The one nailing in the siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde asked "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me I throw it away because it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, I nail it in."

The second blonde laughed knowingly and scoffed, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective...they're for the other side of the house!"

ATM PROCEDURES

MALE
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Roll down your car window
3. Insert ATM card into the machine
4. Enter PIN
5. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
6. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
7. Roll up window
8. Drive off

FEMALE
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put car into reverse and back up to align the car window with the cash machine
3. Set parking brake
4. Roll the window down
5. Roll the back seat window back up
6. Roll the driver's window down
7. Find handbag and dump contents onto passenger seat
8. Locate ATM card
9. Tell person on the cell phone you will call them back and hang up
10. Reach to insert ATM card into the machine
11. Open car door for more reach to make up the distance between the machine and where you parked
12. Insert ATM card into the machine
13. Re-insert the ATM card the right direction
14. Locate your address book from your handbag on the passenger seat
15. Turn to the "P" section for your "PIN" entry
16. Enter PIN
17. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
18. Check your makeup in the rear view mirror
19. Retrieve cash and receipt
20. Locate wallet from your handbag on the passenger seat
21. Place cash into wallet
22. Locate check register from your handbag on the passenger seat
23. Write debit amount in the check register and place receipt into checkbook
24. Re-check your makeup
25. Reload all items from passenger seat into handbag
26. Drive forward two feet
27. Reverse car and drive back to cash machine
28. Honk at irate male driver behind you who is pulling forward
29. Retrieve card
30. Empty handbag onto passenger seat
31. Locate card holder and replace card into slot
32. Reload all items from passenger seat into handbag
33. Redial cellphone to resume phone call
34. Drive for two to three miles
35. Release parking brake

ECONOMIC STIMULUS - HOW IT WORKS



Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic

Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will

explain it using the Q and A format:



Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.



Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.



Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen..



Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase

a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy

by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the

money will go to China .

• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to

the Arabs.

• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to

Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it

will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.



Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or

2 going to ball games, or

3 spending it on prostitutes, or

4 beer or

5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)



My friend said:

" I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I

met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day! "

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know... So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.'

I don't get it

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast
table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her,
"If I were to die suddenly, I want you to
immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something
like that"" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I
don't want some butt-hole using my stuff . . ."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think
I'd marry another butt-hole?

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimistic.

Not true, the hotel owner is out $100 that was owed to him from the hooker. The receivable may be gone, but the cash isn't there to offset the transaction. (unless it was offset in another manner)

SB - It's a joke - sheesh........maybe this will make you chuckle.....

A turtle was crossing the road and was mugged by two snails. The police arrived and asked if he could identify them..he answered "I don't know, it all happened so fast"

^^^That made me chuckle...

Why were Helen Keller's fingertips yellow?

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

Is that because one goes in a mole-mouth and the other goes in

I wanted to send some sort of Christmas greeting to my friends and colleagues ...
..., but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that the United States of America is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Best Regards,
The Wisher

[adapted from an Australian greeting...] ; )

I can think of someone I'd love to send that greeting to... except that he would probably be offended by it.

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, & Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus &, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, & myrrh."


These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:


1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards & put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding & taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.


My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally & dipped in a mixture of food coloring & liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag & stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

BREAKING NEWS!!

Tiger Woods has decided to change his name - he will now be known as "Cheetah"

(Sorry, but I didn't want to be the only one who hasn't posted this )

::groan:: That's just BAD!

It looks like all this time, he's been Lion to his wife.

And she thought he'd just hitting the lynx.

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.