'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAMINERS
'Twas a bright Monday morning and all through the bank,
We awaited the examiners, our spirits were dank,
The policies were bound in a book with great care,
Now all we could do was just mutter a prayer.
The staff was so nervous just thinking of Feds,
While visions of violations danced through their heads.
With the Chairman in Vegas, the President in Vail,
Would they come back to find us in jail?
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our desks to see what was the matter.
And what to our unlucky eyes should appear,
But a man with a badge and eight of his peers.
With computers and briefcases and faces so numb,
We knew in a flash that our time had just come.
More rapid than soldiers he filed in his clan,
And he gathered them all in an office to plan.
"Be picky, be thorough, be tough, use your weight,
To let them all know you have control of their fate.
To Credit, to Audit, go make them feel small,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all."
And then in a twinkling we heard through the door,
The sharpening of dozens of claws on the floor.
And as the door opened, our eyes grew quite large,
Out came the head honcho, the Examiner-in-Charge.
He was dressed up like Rambo, from his head to his feet,
He looked like he craved a good piece of raw meat.
A bundle of printouts he held close to his chest,
For two long weeks the copier would not rest.
His eyes did not twinkle, his brows did not bend,
Is there anyone out there this man could call friend?
He was calm and collected, so passive and cold,
He backed down to no one but God we are told.
The stub of a pencil he held tight in his teeth,
From his belt hung an APR Examiner tucked in a leather sheath.
But first to the break room to fill up his large belly,
Free coffee and soft drinks and donuts with jelly.
He'd work for an hour and then break for some lunch,
Where he went for two hours, we don't have a hunch.
For the rest of the day he would talk on the phone,
And tie up the line 'til the time to go home.
For weeks this routine just seemed to drag on,
When finally his troops had even all gone.
And then the day came when he said we should meet,
We entered "his" office, he said "take a seat."
"Regs have all changed, your policy stinks,
Our file samples should be doubled methinks.
Looking at HMDA, it's not your best year,
You need creative underwriting, it's all crystal clear.
Your Reg. DD schedule is wrong, you must cut your fees,
What do you mean who is TiLA, rethink your compliance strategies.
But what we won't stand for is legal infractions,
If you don't add controls, we could take further actions.
Now don't feel so badly, such problems aren't rare,
But I still feel impelled to give you a good scare."
He spoke no more words, but walked straight out the door,
We followed him wondering if he would be telling us more.
He then shook his finger at us from afar,
And nodding his head he got into his car.
And we heard him exclaim as he opened a beer,
"You passed your exam, I'll see you next year!"