A telemarketer calls a house.
Little Billy answers the phone whispering "Hello"

The telemarketer asks if he could speak with Billy's Mommy. Billy replied in a whisper "she's busy". Telemarketer then asks if he could speak with the boy's Father. Billy whispered "he's busy too".

Telemarkets says "well, is there anyone else there?". Billy whispered and said "yeah, the police".
Stunned the telemarketer said "The police? What are they doing there?"
Billy whispered "looking for me".

I've always loved that joke Karen!

LOL today a member told me that one and it's the first time I had ever heard it!!
I laughed so hard!

I am sooooo sorry, but maybe my brain is dead... why is it funny? I am not being a smartas$, I just don't get it...

I'm sort of with you on this one - I suppose it would be the possible reaction of the telemarketer when the kid says that, but I'd also say it's one of the lamest jokes ever.

I think the idea is that the parents thought their kid was missing and called the cops, but really the kid was just hiding in the closet, or something...

Not a great joke - definitely not funny when it has to be explained.

Is it Male or Female?


Swiss army knife: Male
Even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time
opening bottles.

Kidneys:Female
They always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire:Male
It goes bald and is often over-inflated.

Hot air balloon: Male
To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under it . . . And, of course it’s full of hot
air.

Sponges:Female
They are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

Web page: Female
It’s always getting hit on.

Shoe:Male
It’s usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

Copier: Female
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
It’s an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pressed, and it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pressed.

Ziploc bags: Male
They hold everything in, but you can always
see straight through them.

Subway: Male
It uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hammer: Male
It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote control: Female
It gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to press, he keeps trying.

New job

A businessman is interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devises a simple test to select the most suitable candidate for the job. He asks each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first applicant is a journalist. His answer is "twenty-two."

The second applicant is an engineer. He pulls out a calculator and shows the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person is a lawyer. He states that in the case of Jenkins v. Simpson, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant is an accountant. The businessman asks him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant gets up from his chair goes over to the door and closes it. After sitting down he leans across the desk and asks, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver's license?
Driver: I’m afraid I don't have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner's documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it's not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there's no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!

The police captain was very confused about what had happened.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh
buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Subject: ATM MACHINES

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail ! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

An elderly Texan called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_____

BLONDE KIDNAPPER:

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child & demand ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree & wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am." Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket & told him to go straight home....

The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:

"Here is your money, I cannot believe that one Blonde would do this to another."
_____

H$$L EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is [censored] exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of [censored] is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into [censored] and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to [censored], it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering [censored], let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to [censored]. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to [censored]. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in [censored] to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in [censored] because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in [censored] to stay the same, the volume of [censored] has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If [censored] is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter [censored], then the temperature and pressure in [censored] will increase until all [censored] breaks loose.

2. If [censored] is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in [censored], then the temperature and pressure will drop until [censored] freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in [censored] before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that [censored] is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since [censored] has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

New York City has 11 letters.

Afghanistan has 11 letters.

Ramsin Yuseb, the terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993, has 11 letters.

George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

New York is the 11th state

The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11

Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

Flight 77, which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65

passengers. 6+5=11

The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11, as it is now known.

9+1+1=11

The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number

911. 9 + 1 + 1 =11

Sheer coincidence? Read on and make up your own mind:

The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year

Again 2 + 5 + 4= 11.

The Madrid bombing took place on
3/11/2004.

3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4=11.

The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally interesting:

The most recognized symbol for the US after the Stars & Stripes is The Eagle.

The following verse is taken from the quran, the islamic holy book:"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be feltthroughout the lands of allah. While some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the quran.

Unconvinced about all of this still?

Try this and see how you feel afterwards

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

Type Q33 NY in capital letters.

This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin
Towers.

Highlight the Q33 NY.

Change the font size to 48.

Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS.

What do you think now?

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007



12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It’s Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.

7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I’m Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You’re Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I’d Be Out Of Prison By now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women- But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
_____

Study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her life cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little

dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates

and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt

for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order

to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I

had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending

comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. *******s!



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed

in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear

the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to

the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to

my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the

other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special

privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to

return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I

observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he

reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him

in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

I guess it sounds better when you actually HEAR the joke.
Geez, X is so freakin harsh... I forgot he was the comedian and every single joke he told made the roof fly off from laughter... **rolling eyes smiley insert**

Karen - it's a cold harsh world in the Cooler.........


You know you live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


You know you live in New York when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.

3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature."

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You know you live in Alaska when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.


You know you live in the Deep South when...

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.

2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names.


You know you live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.


You know you live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You know you live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Like them or not, here are the rules:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down!

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping it NOT a sport. And so, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

18. If you ask a question you don't want to answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

20. Don't ask what we are thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

21. You have enough clothes.

22. You have too many shoes.

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

The rules for men:

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Hey, that's not fair! Why are there more rules for women than for men!?

I know I've posted this before but it just seemed to fit.. yet again

========================
How many posters does it take...

to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this fourm is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware newsgroup, off-topic newsgroup,
and lightbulb newsgroup about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this newsgroup

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 new poster to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and start it all over again

1 moderator to lock the controversial light bulb thread until morning!

CROCHETED DOLLS


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls, and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in th box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."